a Team Update by the Azure-Winged Magpie (a.k.a. the Extinction Entity).
No April Fools’ post this year folks. ᴛɪɴᴀᴊ (Read this until the end! Some important stuff is down there.)
Hello-hello and chatter-chatter everyone! Number One here!
🛡️(ಠ __ ಠ✿)🗡️ War Magpie!
So I had a whole post about evolution (actual real-life evolution) in the works and wanted to explain what was going on with our new banner picture up there… but lookin’ around at the world these days, we got to take a break and talk about some other things first.
And by other things I mean biological warfare (kinda)!
Now that the Cap’n’s done with his fancap’n-ism, I can finally get this one off my wings… We’re talking ’bout a war effort here. There’s a BIG BAD going around right now and we want YOU to do your part. I’m not going to bother all of you with what you should do and what you shouldn’t do, since everyone‘s heard what those things are already. There’s not a lot we can do about those IDIOTS hoarding things and going out on vacation until the po-po starts throwing them behind bars or something, but remember to stay calm and take care of yourselves. Let the medical magicians out there on the front lines do their thing and try to make their lives as easy as you can. And that all starts from home.
I know it’s easy to panic when things start going upside down like they are now, but remember that there’s no cure (yet! But we’re getting there!) for this virus. The people who need critical care are being taken care of by the medical magicians I mentioned up there, but the difficult thing to remember is that people are dying no matter what they can do. And as much as it might suck for me to type this out… all we can do is take care of ourselves first and make sure that the people in the hospitals get the time and resources they need. Remember that a lot of folks with COVID-19 aren’t even showing symptoms, so even if you think that you might have it, don’t go running around the streets. A few countries have set up services that can help you. Use them. And for the love of the Holy Magpie (me!) don’t self-diagnose. We have a few high-ranking medical consultants here on The Corvid Review (no names like always), and let me tell you that this is a tricky one straight from one of the teams working on an anti-COVID superweapon. Wait until a right proper test gets rolled out to everyone or use the services if you’ve got one available to you. Don’t go looking up “h0L1s7iC” medicines either. All that’s snake oil. You want a cure? Wait till science [BLEEP]-slaps this virus into behaving itself.
Stop hoarding, stop panic-buying. Buy as much as you need and maybe a little extra, but get ready to bunker down and live all simple for a few months. Those people who hoarded. Those people who went on vacation like a buncha headless sheep. Those people who think their gOd is gonna save them but not others. And those lying government [BLEEP]s who should’ve acted months ago and not lied because it’d make their cOUnTrY lOoK BaD… those are the people because of why we’re all being put on hold for the next few months. It’s all because of these rotten children that all of us good folks are getting locked down for longer. Yeah the virus is dangerous as [BLEEP], but these are the people who’re making it worse. I’m all for and shaming these people, but I’m more for throwing them into the slammer for a few months and billing them a coupla hundred thousand monies (or whatever makes sense wherever they are).
(And about those government [BLEEP]s… This is why we should have taken over the world when we had the chance the last time. We’d have dealt with this situation a lot better than these idiots in charge of certain countries have done. Don’t worry. We’ll get there next time! I’ll just stab the Cap’n in the back first!)
There are also tons of people who have jobs which put them straight in the line of the COVID-19. It sucks that this is just how the world works, but we need to keep ourselves healthy so they don’t get sick or become carriers either. Think twice about the delivery drivers, the shopkeepers, the cab drivers, and all those people who’re risking their own health for the rest of us lot.
So… just to remind you what the basic rules are in case you need a brushup. What you need to do is:
1. Sit yourself down at home and keep yourself from away from other people. (this means family and friends too!) This means no running around willy nilly ’cause there’s [BLEEP] all to do at home.
2. Wash your hands and your face often. You don’t always need sanitiser. Get some bar soap or use that body wash that’s been collecting dust since that one time you wanted to feel fancy. Try and get some surgical spirit/rubbing alcohol if you can and take care when using it. (DON’T [BLEEP]ing drink it!)
3. Think twice before you touch something. There’s no telling where that thing’s been or who’s breathed on it. This goes for takeaways too. If you don’t know the folks making your food on a second name basis, don’t risk that stuff. (Trust me… I want some of those “restaurant on the corner” gyoza too…)
4. If you’re going to go out, these are your ONLY reasons: WORK (that you can’t do from home), FOOD (if you’re starving/about to starve/run out of roommates), BASIC SUPPLIES (soap, water, etc.), and very LIMITED EXERCISE (go for a short run or something).
5. DON’T listen to any “medical advice” you find online. Wait for something official. I see loads of idiots doing whatever the [BLEEP] they want based on whatever [BLEEP]ing post they come across on social media. [BLEEP] that. The experts are WORKING ON IT. NO ONE knows anything concrete right now. Don’t self diagnose and DON’T use any “natural cures”. Everything is natural. End of line. All that talk is hedge apples.
6. Be responsible with recycling and such. We’re already doing mama-nature a solid by staying out of her way. Let’s do a little more!
7. Eat and live simple (see below for some tips!).
Now that we’re done with the basics… what are you supposed to do with all this time you’ve got on your hands now?! And this is where I come to the rescue! Here’s a buncha things you can do during the lockdowns (which shoulda happened ages ago)!
1. Stay healthy!
No. Seriously. Keep yourself healthy.
2. Read posts on The Corvid Review!
Everything we write on The Corvid Review is awesome sauce but here are some of our all-time best posts and some recent hits, plus a few Editor’s (me! me!) choices!
- “Recent Superstar” post: i am Sophie (part two coming soon!)
- Our latest review: Star Trek: Picard — Et in Arcadia Ego, Part 2
- The Oscine Awards Ceremony (Best of 2019)
- The Oscine Awards Ceremony (Best of the Decade)
- Godzilla: King of the Monsters
- Our all-time Heavyweight Champion post: The Blackcoat’s Daughter
- Our Number One contender: Possession
- Our Number Two contender: Us
3. Learn a new skill! New Skills!
We’re all about learning on The Corvid Review and we’ve got a few suggestions for you coming up! You can learn all sorts of things from all around the web! Go on YouTube or find a WikiHow (which isn’t complete garbo) and tech yourself something new. Teach yourself something that’s going to help you live like a proper self-sufficient person. A new recession has started up and the world’s economy is going right into the… “bucket” so it’s a great time to get yourself set up to get rid of all those ties you have to the world of monies and learn to live like a proper hermit! And how about you start with…
Thaaat‘s right! We’re finally getting around to it! Since everyone needs to know how to cook and everything (’cause, like… you should), and how that’s going to become real important during this big ol’ quarantine we’ve got… We’re finally getting around to starting up our recipe posts!
Since I’m the sashimi/delicious fresh fishies girl… my test kitchen’s been shut down for Corona season, so the Crow’s (or his mum) gonna take charge on this one (even though he’s a vegetarian now)! And that’s a good thing, since he’s all about the simple things and teaching people how to do things right (just be careful around his spices…). These are gonna be good, hearty eatin’ and then we’ll level things up later on when the air starts to clear!
Heck… where is he?! I might want to start us off right now since we’re talking about getting quarantined and everything. Now… where did I put that damn Crow…? Cap’n…? Cap’n? Cap’n?! (Okay, while we’re waiting for the Crow, you should totally go and check out eatthedead.com, where the darkly delightful Hell created the dastardly Hell’s Fury Curry Rolls a few years ago. Okay… where is he?)
The Crow: Some weeks ago, I would have said something about the current pandemic being a test by the MMA gods. A test in reference to the now-cancelled UFC 249 originally starring Tony “El Cucuy” Ferguson and Khabib “The Eagle” Nurmagomedov, but we can all agree that things are much more grim, these days.
That said, here is a quick, simple recipe which you can cook in a large batch and save for up to four days. It’s great as a starter, as part of a main, or on its own (if you are a pepper-lover, and have food to spare). I’ll write out a more elaborate post for this dish later; but for now, here is something you can throw together for a get-out-of-jail meal which will leave you full and warm on even the most meagre nights:
My Mother’s Peppered Potaotes and Beans (a.k.a.: Warmed Earth)
Originally, this dish featured on a “test draft” for the Oscine Awards, but was put aside in favour of the more streamlined final menu. Personally, I “eyeball” amounts, and do recommend one become comfortable with the practice; however, specific ingredient measuments are included below to ensure the best results. This version of the dish will forego a certain ingredient in favour of one which should be more accessible to most people.
Servings: 4 large servings.
Spice: Heavy on pepper, otherwise mildly-spiced
Prep time: 5 minutes
Cooking Time: 20 — 30 minutes
What You’ll Need:
1. Potatoes (1 kg), diced medium, salt lightly and set aside
2. Green beans (500 grams; half your amount of potatoes); sliced into 2 — 3 cm lengths
3. Garlic (2 cloves per kg of potatoes); Dried Red Chillies (optional; 2 per kg of potatoes)
4. Salt, Pepper, Oil (extra-virgin olive oil recommended), and Garam masala
1. Add oil to your pan, start a medium heat, and wait until warmed through
2. Carefully slide your potatoes in and give them a quick stir, add a pinch of salt (pinch ≈ 5μg)
3. Crush your garlic, give it a rough chop, and add to the pan with a pinch of salt
4. Add your dried chillies in after a minute and leave the pan aside for two minutes
5. For the next ten minutes, stir your potatoes through now and again, and add another pinch of salt; have a sip of a tasty (non-fizzy) beverage
6. Add a pinch of garam masala, stir, and throw in your beans (continued below)
7. If the pan is getting too dry, add a few teaspoons of water (ideally: you should aim to only use the liquids from the beans in this dish, but this depends on the quality of your beans); you want this pan deglazed, if the beans don’t do it, you’ll have to
8. Crack a good amount (10 mg ideal; but adjust to taste) of black pepper on top (powder may be used, but corns are better), lower the heat, and lid the pan
9. Five minutes later, shake the pan thoroughly, unlid, and check the potatoes for doneness, feel free to add any additional salt if you so choose
10. When the potaotes are done, so are you. Stir one last time, crack a little black pepper on top, and leave covered for a minimum of ten minutes before serving.
There are many ways to enjoy this dish, but in these trying times, I would recommend one above all others:
With Rice. Mix the potatoes and beans into steamed rice, then top with a very sparse amount of coriander and a light sprinkling of lemon juice. Before you know it, you’ll be full and your plate will be empty. I would recommend something less… aggressive to be paired with this, such as a daal or a light soup, but more on that in our follow-up post.
Now, back to Number One:
Hell yeah! Ive had this thing and I can confirm this dish is yum-yum! Give it a try! You really can’t mess it up. Just make sure you keep things moving and use a good cup of oil for this one (use butter too!). Oh! Oh! Put a single egg omelette on the side too! You’ll thank me later!
I don’t even like pepper that much and I nicked a whole bowl of this one from the Cap’n when his mummy made some for him five years ago. Since he’s all about the vegetables and whatnot right now, you betcha that our first few posts are going to fill you up and last you a few weeks without any complaints!
And just like what you just read… we’ll be dropping some fun activities for you to get up to and some fun skills you can learn while you stay indoors during the quarantine!
4. Read More Books!
This is like the number one hobby people should have! And if you can’t just get into big books right now… why don’t you get started with these two short stories we hosted on The Corvid Review some time ago? (To our other authors: I swear I’ll find the password as soon as I’m back in Old Blighty!)
by “Write Like A Shark” Joe Butler
The Third Time Around
by “Time Walker Author” Charles Arthur
Go read the stories! They’re awesome and are gonna punch you right in the feels!
5. Read Up on the EARN IT Act, then get ready to fight!
So… just like always, folks up in governments have been taking advantage of everyone panicking and they’ve been trying to pass a sneaky act that’s going to stomp on everyone’s freedoms like they always do. I’m going to write a big post about this soon, but for now I’m going to leave you with these two links that should sum the general idea up:
- A sneaky attempt to end encryption is worming its way through Congress | The EARN IT Act could give law enforcement officials the backdoor they have long wanted — unless tech companies come together to stop it
- Protect our Speech and Security Online: Reject the Graham-Blumenthal Bill
And yeah, it’s the USA that started this. Just like they always do. They say it’s to protect children, and that’s all nice and shiny, but that’s just an excuse. You know where they’re taking this.
Remember folks. Stay safe and follow all the rules. I’ll see you in a few days with a post about the EARN IT act and some other happenings that are going on around the world. Take care of yourselves and remember that this is gonna be the start of a long sitdown!
— Azure-Winged Magpie up! Up! And Awayyy! *BONK!*