a roast by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
WARNING: MAGPIE CHATTER / NSFW LANGUAGE SHALL BE USED
Don’t you say I didn’t warn you!
So. Yeah. My quest to watch more shitty films continues… And this time, I’m serving up a big, heaping pile of stinkeroo called:
Playing With Dolls
In my last full review, I reviewed another film by this team (IDIC Entertainment; IDIC standing for: Idiotic Dickheads’ Incompetency in Cinema), and fml, was it ever a stinker. It was by far the worst thing I’d ever seen. That film needs to be executed. Like, slowly (perhaps involving piranhas…).
So, here we go. We’re watching another film by these dodo-heads. This one’s called Playing With Dolls, and wouldn’t you know it? One of us sorta knows someone who’s contributed to this P.O.S….
Let’s just get on with it. My brain’s been hurting ever since I started this crusade.
DANGER IN THE DOLLHOUSE
WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS MAJOR SPOILERS
We start off weird. We have a fistfight between two guys. One of these guys is our knight-in-shining-armour-“hero”, who I’m gonna call “Mr Cop“. The fight is shit and comes complete with the dumbest attempts at making the action seem like it’s hotting home (the frame shakes, folks. The fucking frame!).
While the two blokes indulge in their schoolyard fisticuffs, a chick (“Bewbz” from Little Red Riding Hood) runs through the snow somewhere nearby. She’s being chased by this masked psycho-killer-sort, you see?
Anyway, she gets nabbed by Mr Psycho-killer and is tied up to a tree after being KOed (somehow). Mr Cop hears her whinging and talks big about a “woman … being killed. RIGHT NOW!” before going back to play boxing with his bearded buffoon of a nemesis.
We forget about them for a while and Bewbz is stripped topless (with a hunting knife! D: ) since slasher films need boobies, dammit! Mr Psycho-killer is a shy boy, and covers his eyes with his arm because he’s such a gentleman. But then! He comes back to her. Aaand… she gets her nip-nip chopped off (!).
Anyway… Mr Cop shoots and kills the bearded bandit somewhere along the line and promptly gets shot at by another member of this weird private security group that’s hanging out in these snowy woods. He fucks off down the side of a hill into a ditch or something, and the plot begins to thicken.I bet they used a lot of cornstarch…
We get to see the BIG BAD, some lechy motherfucker hanging out in a dark room staring at the action we’re watching through security cams.
Here’s a question: How come these security cams are the same cams that the film’s shot through, just with a shitty filter on top?I guess we’ll never know…
He tells the shooter-guy from the security team to leave Mr Cop be, shot or not, since “a far worse death awaits him”, and to fetch him “a new girl”.
Anyway, we never see Bewbz again. Cue: the actual fucking film!
And now, we get to this bint (okay, she’s actually not so much of a bint):
This is Cindy, played by Natasha Blasick, who is kind of a total bae, but seems to have something wrong in her brainbox (the video’s gone, now — this is the only backup I could find; it’s some religious nonsense mixed up with snippets from the original ITV video).
So, her roommate Laura’s fucked off somewhere and cleaned out their WHOLE apartment. I mean, seriously. Apart from a few water bottles, two soda cups, and a plastic bag, there ain’t NOTHING in this hole.
Cindy doesn’t have enough money to pay the rent, and so her fat sleazeball of a landlord decides it’s a good time to extort sex from her. She says GTFO, and he says: ‘You ain’t got rent, Imma make you GTFO.’ What a bag of dicks.
So, Cindy jogs over to her old workplace to pick up her last paycheck. When she gets there, the wife of the boss straight-up decides to get into a yelling match with her. Again, it’s about lechy stuff. Cindy’s accused of “seducing” the boss (“Donald!”), and the boss defends her by explaining that he “got fresh” with Cindy. There’s yelling about lawsuits and slander and nephews at sheriff’s offices and stealing computers and… I mean… wtf is going on here? Is any of this relevant?
Well, it might’ve been, if the writer of this stinker had a brain, but it’s just ‘Lech on Natasha Blasick Day’, I guess.
She goes home all (._. ) and starts wondering what to do with her life when… THERE’S A KNOCK ON ZE DOOR!
(O _ O✿)!
But it’s not her rape-y landlord. It’s a package. A package that comes with a miraculous job offer. The job starts immediately, comes with a pad, some snazzy add-ons, and (as Cindy thinks) a salary! Too good to be true, no?
Well, of course, but I’ll let man magnet-Cindy off the hook since she’s obviously got her back to the wall. Poor baby, she is. A weird thing I’d like to point out here is that half-way through a shot, the lighting changes, like someone’d switched off the filters or something. The shot stays this way for some time, before the filters start flicking on and off between shots.
Now, I’m summarising everything again. Since I’ll have some other shit to talk about at the end, I’m going to jog through the rest and do this up as a normal review.
This film is about a rich perv who’s gotten his hands on Mr Psycho-killer. We’ll call the perv “Mr Tasche” for now. He has girls duped into staying at some remote cabin (I mean, desperate or not, you’d think some of these bimbos would have brains), just like Dickhead from the last film. He watches them through a large network of cameras he’s got set up all over the gaffe while romping about with some shot-up girl he keeps on the side and passing orders to his security team.
Cindy is his latest target, and Bewbz was his last. Mr Psycho-killer stalks them, kills them, dismembers them, and is working on some kinda morbid sculpture of rotting body bits out in the snow. Mr Tasche, on the other hand, keeps the tapes, and some of the body parts in little glass jars on his desk.
Mr Cop, who seems to be THE ONLY COP IN THE WORLD on the case has been chasing him all over the world and has found his new hidey-hole (have the filmmakers ever heard of a teensy little thing called jurisdiction?). So he teams up with Cindy and they fight the threat together. Mr Psycho-killer gets shot at near the end and Cindy gets away… OR DOES SHE?
Essentially, this is kinda similar to the last film these twits made. Of course, some things are different, but the general story is kinda close, dont’cha think?
Anyways… Let’s get to some general chatter about this here film. I got a lot to say.
A MAGPIE RANTS AND RAVES
Ooo-kayyy… here we go!
First: the good.
There’s a decent film in here somewhere. I can see this actually being a good film if someone with more than a quarter-of-a-brain was in charge. This film could’ve explored a good lot of themes about being poor, being desperate, having your life turned over, etc. and set up a good long character arc for Cindy. Y’know, one that’d carry her through the conflicts that show their faces so that she can overcome her problems. Like, what films generally do.
Even the “bad guy” set up could’ve been used well. I actually like the idea of this rich perv in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere getting girls over to make snuff films out of their deaths — playing them like “dolls” (rolll credits!) in his ‘dollhouse’. Maybe a little bit about how his shtick works would’ve been interesting to see.
The film even has a few good moments. Cindy’s first scream, for instance, is a pretty good scene. They even bother to set up the geography of the dollhouse when Cindy first enters — which they completely failed to fucking do in Little Red Riding Hood. Even the killer, who we barely find anything out about is actually not too bad. He’s a Dragon, and he stays in that role without so much as a word.
Even the ending could’ve been good. It actually ends on a bit of a high note after hitting the bottom of the fucking pits. And what does the film do with this great set-up? Fuck all.
Now, y’all know I’m gonna start getting angry when the good bits of a film are all complained about…
Okay, so we get to: the bad (AND the ugly!).
Hang on a minute… Let me take a breath, here.
So, the film drops the ball all over the place. No, wait. It doesn’t drop the ball. It drops the ball, deflates it, and spills its guts all over the damn place.
It’s not just every.single.male.character (apart from Mr Goody-two-shoes Cop) who’s a perv to women. I’m pointing my finger straight at the fucking people working on these films. Let’s count them up: there are four women in LRRH (can’t be arsed to type it out every time). We see two of theirs’ boobies. “Carol Marcus” and MARRC’s nan are the only two who get away with their clothes on, and we still see a good bit of cleavage from Marcus. There are five women with speaking roles in this film. One of them is the boss’ wife, one is the liaison who brings Cindy to the dollhouse, and one is the doctor — I’ll get to the other chick in a moment. The boss’ wife and the liaison are relatively older. The other three women? We get to see Bewbz stripped topless against her will and then killed-off screen. The “sixth woman” of the film is a line-less, drugged-up sex slave (obviously held against her will and starved via negligence). And finally… We get a random boobie-shot from Cindy, and then, at the “climax” of the film, she has her knickers stripped off while unconscious by Mr Psycho-killer so that he can ram a broken bit of wood up either where the sun don’t shine, or up her va-jay-jay.
See a pattern here? Okay. Let me go a little further. Apart from some minor characters, Mr Cop and the Monk-dude (even though both grab an eyeful), every.single.male character is a total fucking perv and is over-the-top-creepy to the chicks. This film takes the bleeding cake of perviness. We spend wayyy too long looking at Cindy. She’s always dressed up pretty, and there is a (and I’m not fucking shitting you) three-minute long sequence, set to the most godawful music ever, of Cindy trying out skimpy clothes and changing (while Mr Tasche pervs out to her through the cams).
And both of these chicks are dumb.fucking.bimbos. They’re tolerable at best. In my world, they’d both be the first to bite it in a horror/slasher film. None of them get even proper characters. They’re just sex objects for the show.
And that peeves me right off. Sure, men can be assholes. There are dudes like that. But not every.one.of.them is salivating at the thought of a chick in a tight dress. This isn’t a fucking porno, you IDIC fucks.
I don’t even think that Rene Perez and his droogs are even doing something about “men are bad, feminism ftw!”, here. I think they’re whacking one off to their own lurid fucking films. I mean, I’ve seen worse, and these two films aren’t anywhere close to the worst examples of soft-exploitation, but fuck me, these guys are just a few rejections away from becoming total exploitation filmmakers.
Cindy almost becomes a sympathetic character, and even though Natasha Blasick is a weirdo and a limited actress, there’s a lot to work with. Her alcoholism, for one. I’ve got drinking problems myself, and I wanted to see if there’d be anything to it. But nope, nada, auf weidersehen, plot-opportunity. Here’s her arse in yoga pants instead!
And my fucking Holy Magpies! Is this film ever fucking boring. LRRH is still the worst of the two, but this one has no idea about pacing or editing, either. At least their sound design got fixed up, and they got rid of the shitty CG.
This is a shallow hull with a decent spark of an idea dying in it. I’m fucking done. I hope these films are never seen by ANYONE.ever.
And that’s the last £2.49 or whatever you’ll get from me, Perez.
F M L
Fuck this shit. Don’t watch it. I took one for the team. Don’t let my feathers lie on the floor in vain.
Thanks to the Crow for the writing assist. I’m off to go watch Blade Runner 2049 again tomorrow. Watch it, folks, it’s worth it.
And before I go. If I’ve not sounded myself tonight, it’s because I’m blitzed-out tired and am still in formal-mode from our 2049 review. I’ll be back to 100% soon. Promise.
THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE: 1/10
THE CROW: “I’m not watching this shit”/10
Here’s the poster: