a (quickie) review by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
So I was looking up stuff to help make my review for 2017’s Power Rangers look all pretty and shit. And guess what I come across?
Screenies from a 2015 short film called Power/Rangers.
What the fuck is this?! Why don’t I know about it?! And who is this very familiar-looking blonde in it?!
I called that Crow that hangs around here up pronto. And I MADE HIM WATCH IT! Woot! And who is that blonde?! Who is it?! Katee Sackhoff! I knew I’d seen her somewhere before. Now the Crow HAS to do up his epic Battlestar Galactica theory. You can thank me for it when he’s done.
Now… You know what time it is. You do (don’t you?)!
Go-go Power Rangers! Go-go Power Rangers! Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangeee-rrrs!
Let’s jump into this unofficial “de-boot” of the franchise!
It’s fucking morphin’ time!
WARNING: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS PRETTY FUCKING MAJOR SPOILERS (Sorry: fangirl!)
Right up at the beginning there’s a big fucking scuffle going about. There’s all sorts of chaos happening. We get a pretty cool POV shot through the visor of the Pink Ranger as the Rangers seem headed to their doom.
Who’re they fighting? The Machine Empire. And they’re losing. Bad. Even the Megazord bites the dust.
We skip ahead a few years and Kimberley (the Pink Ranger from the intro… played by Katee Sackhoff!) is held captive by Rocky (the second Red Ranger). Rocky’s turned sides and now works for the Machine Empire (that fucking scumbag!).
With her in his dirty little fucking fingers, he goes over the lives of the original MMPR team-members. Jason married Kimberly (♥! Power couple! The way things should’ve been). And eight hours following their marriage… thanks to Bulk and Skull… he gets shot up.
That’s my mo-[REDACTED]-ing childhood crush you fucking [REDACTED]!!!11!1!!!1!!…!
Zack is living the high life. Cocaine and women (hmm…). AND a TV instruction show called HOP-kido (lololololol).
As Rocky points out, Zack joined the Machine Empire as an enforcer of sorts. He goes and kicks the shit out of some dudes in Rocky’s story. He does this on the reg, apparently. But even despite all his awesomeness he gets gunned down in his apartment after having a threesome. Right before he gets snuffed out though, he seems to recognise the person who’s come for him.
Rocky keeps asking about Tommy. But when Kim refuses to share anything with him, he brings up Billy. Billy became a Tony Stark-like mass producer of weapons. And (I think this was a bit of a ‘setting things right’ situation) on top of that he just straight up opened up to the world that he’s fucking gay.
Given the stories I’ve recently heard about how David Yost was done hard by on the set of the original serial – this is a step in the right direction.
But Billy seemingly committed suicide.
Rocky suggests that Tommy’s the one tracking down the former Rangers and snuffing them out one by one. Kim scoffs at the idea and tells us how she hasn’t seen Tommy since Trini’s funeral (surely that’s a nod to Thuy Trang having sadly passed away – at my age no less 😥 ). She even throws an insult in there for Rocky to take to heart.
But Rocky spins everything on her. He tells her he knows Tommy’s not the one killing the Rangers. He’s only holding her in his cell until Tommy shows up.
Now why’s he doing this? I don’t really know. All I know is that Tommy fucking shows up right on cue.
Rocky and Tommy get into a scrap (swords and all). Maybe it’s Rocky’s flash new cyber-leg or maybe Tommy’s just lost it a bit. But Rocky gets Tommy down (almost exactly how Tommy had Jason down that one time when he was still the ‘evil Green Ranger’). But Kim offs him with a strawberry-jamming into the camera via firearm.
Tommy recovers. He stands facing Kim and asks her who the hell she is.
She says she’s Kim. Who else could she be? Right? Right?!
Tommy tells her that Kim died in his arms years ago during the battle we saw in the intro. And we find out who’s been masquerading as Kim all this while: Rita fucking Repulsa! (played by Carla fucking Perez and all!)
She’s the one who’s been killing the monkey-fighting Rangers all this while.
And she asks Tommy to join her. Tommy’s answer?
He pounces at her with his sword. And we cut to: CREDITS!
Wooo! Damn son!
The new Power Rangers film was fucking amazing. But I wasn’t ready for THIS.
This is Power Rangers all fucking grown-up. And I fucking LOVED IT. PlsPlsPls Hollywood! Keep the new film series the way it is! But give me something like this! Like a bigger better version. Get this Kahn guy in on it!
I mean… just imagine Zordon the Heisenberg in THIS. We need this Hollywood! LISTEN TO ME.
Just not with so many dead people! I just want to see how this comes around.
There was some trouble around the time of this ‘de-boot’ dropping, but that’s all done with. I STRONGLY fucking recommend this to anyone who’s ever seen anything Power Rangers. This shit is fucking A. Go watch it NOW.
THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE: 8/10
THE CROW: 5/10
Yeah, okay. That wasn’t bad.