a …review(?) by the Azure-Winged Magpie.
ft. the Crow!
[Warning! My opinion changes as this post goes on!]
It’s been a long-long time…
(ಠ ‿ ಠ✿)
But guess what?!… I’m baaaaaaack!
Right. Let’s talk about Muck by Steve Wolsh and other dickheads. This review is going to be SFW in terms of images and such, but NOT in terms of language. Those of you lucky enough to know my pretty azure wings will know I’m a potty mouth. And this is the kind of flick that inspires the best in my pretty ass.
So… I’m a massive fan of Kane Hodder okay?
Kane fucking Hodder. Jason Voorhees? Leatherface (that one time) ?! Victor fucking Crowley?! I mean holy shit! This guy is the kind of actor who does the kind of films I love! And what’s this film he’s in all of a sudden?! Muck?! I ain’t never heard of this shit! ‘I must subject an innocent soul to the journeys through my very own Lament Configuration!’ -I thought. ‘Others must know the pleasures of watching B-grade slasher films!’ -I thought. And it was the Crow who was dragged kicking and screaming into a trip through my personal Lemarchand’s box that innocent, innocent child….
So… I topped up my vodka. The Crow finished up cooking his dinner (yum-yum! We make the best food!) and sat his grumbling ass down. And then, all ready for some murder-happy Kane Hodder-ness we fired up the film, and…
…we watched it. And…
THIS SECTION CONTAINS ALL THE FUCKING SPOILERS
THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE
Honestly I don’t even…
Where do I even start?!
Wait! It doesn’t matter, cos the film don’t give a fuck. So I won’t give a fuck either moth-[REDACTED – the Crow (you’re welcome.)]!
(X‾X) … … *POW!* ᕕ(◔◡◔✿)!
That’s better. Okay… back to the STORY (or whatever one can call this)!
The film begins with these five typical slasher-fodder kids emerging from this marshy place on Paddy’s Day (woo! Happy Paddy’s Day everyone!hic!). First things first: they’re fucking annoying. These kids have just escaped something from the mucky marsh. What happened in there is something we never really find out. There were more of them to begin with. Whatever it was in the marsh that they’re legging it from has picked their “friends” off by the time we get involved (thank fuck there aren’t more of these yobbos in the film).
The place where they all meet and explain this “backstory” is close to this random house (which I fuck you not has its own mo-[REDACTED]-ing credit in the film; playing “itself” and is an actual real life place). And our fuckwits head to it.
But just after this opening sequence… We get treated to the epic opening credits which are focused on some chick wearing nothing but knickers covered in mud and jiggling her knockers about in the middle-of-nowhere with no place in the plot. Who is she? Is this the Ava (one of the presumed dead friends) the others were talking about? Why is she saying “there’s no place like home” over and again? Why do we care? It dudn’t fucking matter cos’ the flick just wants to show you her TITTIEZ!
And that pretty much sums up the film for us. This opening sequence of some starkus chick just kinda aimlessly wandering about with the camera focusing on her titty-witties in the middle of nowhere intercut with fancy lettering and shots of random objects in the house covered in an oily slicky goo. (I do kinda like the song though.)
They get into the house after a little dialogue. There are weird horror film noises and shots which look like they’re setting up for jump scares but… well there’s nothing going on here. Among the group is this one woke cunt called Billy who could’ve easily saved the film. But don’t worry too much about him. He bites the dust quite soonish since he starts the film stabbed and bleeding out. He’s by far the best character for this film. The best character in the film though? Probably Kylie. She’s the only person that seems normal in this film (although HOW she ended up with her boyfriend Noah is just… I don’t even…) and that’s saying quite a bit.
But she’s still a dumbshit though. Her first worry about the house is ‘We’re like robbers’ and ‘What if the police come?’
I mean… really?
Now here’s the thing. I’ve actually just started rewatching this film while I’m writing this review (and I’m finding new things out) and there’s no Crow this time around (oh how I cry!). The first time we watched it a lot of things didn’t make sense about the film. And a lot of those things still don’t make sense. But on this watch-through some of the strange things these complete fucking idiots do start to become a little clearer. The biggest revelation being why Noah (Kylie’s boyfriend) goes and calls his cousin Troit for help instead of the fucking police. It’s still stupid as fuck (especially when we find out what this Troit’s actually like – even though he gives a few dry slaps and even says Noah shoulda called the police) but there is a little dialogue that at least tells us that it’s not his first thought. And to be honest Billy’s argument against calling the cops at least makes some sense.
So Noah runs off to get help. Kylie heads down to the basement to find something of use. Desiree heads upstairs to take a shower. We see a few seconds of that girl from the intro sequence again and… BOOM SHAKALAKA! THAT WAS AVA! Hahaha-haha! Detective Magpie don’t miss much does she? (But why is Ava even there?!)
Noah runs past some houses and makes it to an Irish bar (I presume – though it is Paddy’s Day). So he heads inside and… HE GOES TO WASHING HIS MO-[REDACTED]-ING HANDS AND HIS SHIRT! SOME OF YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS ARE DEAD AND ONE OF THEM’S STILL-FUCKING-DYING AND YOU’RE WASHING YOUR MO-[REDACTED]-HANDS?! YOU MO-[REDACTED]-ING WHAT?!
And OH NO… It doesn’t end fucking there. The twat lets some bimbo get him to buy her a drink (while the bimbo pulls the worst attempt at an Irish accent I’ve seen so far – and I’ve seen the Crow try and fail) because “izz her burthdae”. And the dipshit does. And buys himself one. And after letting the bimbo take a picture with him he only then asks for her phone.
This is about when the Crow switched off. I made him keep watching (just wait for Kane Hodder! He’ll make everything awesome!) despite how fucking ridiculously stupid this part of the film was. To be fucking fair, if this scene was done kosher – this film would be done better by.
And at this point the film launches into a long “showering scene”, complete with soundtrack.
(ಠ ‿ ಠ✿)
Hey. I’m not complaining.
Whatever. I’m going to hurry things up from this point onwards. The kids encounter these ash-white humanoids who start pickig them off one by one. Billy dies 😦 Mia runs off. Des gets killed when… Kane fucking Hodder shows up! His name’s apparently Grawsome Crutal (whih actually sounds kinda cool). He axes her nearly in twain before dragging her up the stairs and leaving her on a bed (wut?). Kylie gets stripped nekkid (why?) and sliced up in the basement before getting chucked through a window. All of this while Noah finishes his phonecall and starts legging it back to the house.
Oh and guess what? The dipshit gets lost on the way.
…fucking hell. How does this guy function in society?
Oh. And another thing. He runs past a house he’d earlier seen. One of the girls from the bar is there getting nekkid (sigh… another nude scene?) And wait. She left when he was just going in. Was then in the bar. And while the guy she was sitting with was alone at the end… whatever.) and…
THE DIPSHIT STOPS TO COP A FUCKING LOOK!
brb. Ripping my azure feathers out.
Anyway. She gets offed by something (I bet it’s a humanoid because of the growl we hear).
Anyway. On to what’s important: Kane fucking Hodder! I was so fucking pumped when he first hit the screen: big and burly and weilding an axe. Aaand…
He’s in the film for like a minute.
I feel cheated.
And to add INSULT TO INJURY. It’s pea-brain Noah who kills him! Oh my graces! FUCK THIS SHIT. Anyway. The Crow at this point just up and went: “Yeah. I’m not staying. Night-night.” and flapped off. To be fair… I almost quit as well. But I’m a soldier. So I decided I might as well finish this shit.
Also in Muck are Noah’s cousin Troit (the least tolerable person in the world by the looks of it) his poptart of the night Terra (I guess we’ll just called her bimbo supreme) and his future waaaife Chandi (probably the most tolerable person in this bar Kylie and our typical final girl type). Anyway. They come in as the cavalry to save our survivors (well plural when they finally find Mia again after offing a stray humanoid).
They encounter the humanoids really really quick-like. They get attacked. They lose some clothes. And… SOMETHING flips the car.
Now the first time I saw this film. I didn’t notice that Terra gets squished by the car and I thought it was the humanoids who’d done it before running off. Actually paying attention this time (with subtitles) tells me that it’s actually an UNSEEN SOMETHING that done it.
The issue is that the film’s done so poorly that you can’t expect people to understand what’s being shown in it. Especially when you’ve basically lost all interest in these idiots we’re watching. And especially also when you’ve just lost all respectability by cutting from a shot of Terra (played by a Playboy model) screaming to a close up of HER FUCKING TITS JIGGLING (have these people no self-respect?!).
Anyway. The humanoids run off. Well all apart from one Troit stabs. We see shots of this lone humanoid sorta ambling about all scared and shit while Chandi and Troit argue (why are we supposed to see this one wander around while jumpy-scary music plays?). Maybe it’s got something to do with this UNSEEN SOMETHING? Idk. Idc.
Anyway. They get to the house (I guess Troit did know the way after all) on foot and run into Noah.
And by the time they get there, Noah’s just fresh off killing KANE FUCKING HODDER! I’m NOT letting that one go, Muck. No I’m not.
Now here’s the thing. The events shown in this film aren’t actually happening over a long period of time. As a matter of fact the film’s actually a lot longer (travelling bits excepted) than how long the events shown take place.
The usual way to show this is of course to jump between concurrent events and bring in characters when they fit into the story in linear time. No?
Films that don’t do this usually have a good reason for the exception or just plain suck donkey-carrot.
Guess which one Muck‘s playing around with time is an example of? Just fucking do it the normal way and I won’t be so pissed off with you. Twats.
Come on. Let’s wrap this up. (sigh)
Noah acts out some Razzie-worthy sadface scenes before quickly getting over Kylie even though he FUCKING LOVED HER!meep-meep! bwahhh! Troit gets drunk. Chandi is very happy that Troit’s mentioned her to Noah. And then Mia reappears.
While all this shit’s been going down with the others, Mia’s killed one of the creatures elsewhere. Why she returns to the house? I don’t really know.
She tells everyone that the “creepers” (why have I been calling them the humanoids all this while?!Idiot!) are scared of the marsh. They don’t go into the marsh. And when the creepers show up she runs because they’ve come “for her”. And she’s right. They go right for her and kill her (offscreen) first before turning to the others.
How does she know this? Why does this happen? I don’t mo-[REDACTED]-ing know (but I’m beginning to form theories ‘cos this shit can’t be this incompetent.
Anyway. Wait. Yeah…
The humanoids are here in force now. And…
In the big (and crappily edited) action sequences Troit beats the shit out of like a shitton of baddies before deciding to leg it into the marsh with Chandi and Noah. Noah freaks out and mouths off for a bit that they shouls be scared of whatever’s in there. But he goes anyway.
They hang about a bit and share some… I dunno… character-fleshing dialogue? I guess…? while standing waist-deep in water. You know what? Don’t bother paying attention. The dialogue’s boring and pointless and actually ruins Chandi quite a bit for me.
But THEN! Acreeper attacks them from behind (and beneath)!
How long was that twat under the water?!waitaminute…. Big fight scene. Troit kills the creeper after “SOMETHING” drags Noah away into the water (which I totally didn’t catch the first time because I had no clue that I’m supposed to expect random stupid unexplained shit on such a regular basis).
Chandi and Troit (who I suggest should be called Trout instead) start hiking their way home in the early hours… and the water starts bubbling around them. And Troit sums up the movie with (really should’ve said this line at the start of the movie. Dick):
“This can’t be good”
And then we get a flashy image-filled credits sequence for every twat in the film including the house (yep) and in a special bonus short, even the director! (?!) whom “Hollywood is not ready for” (lol). But there’s one very interesting thing about the credits. But I’ll get to that in one of the next sections.
So there you have it. Don’t watch the film. Just read all that crap I wrote out. I promise you it’s much more entertaining. I partly wrote it out in full so that you don’t watch it. Seriously. I’m taking one for you guys here. That’s the best summary you can ask for. And it even has more jokes than the movie.
And if it’s titties you want… this is the internet love.
WHO MADE THIS?! WHY?!
Muck is directed by Steve Wolsh (his first film) and I’m not going to get into how good or not it is all that much because it ain’t a good film. Let me just assign a rating for the following features:
Yeah. Me really no likey this film, but here are some positives (or as in not-absolute-shit-bits) anyway: Troit actually played the dickhead jock kinda well (even though he’s an insufferable cunt) and Kylie was pretty okay.
Everyone else was a shitshow though. The music had a few moments (most of the songs were good) but everything else (especially the editing) was pretty fucking awful. So… yeah. That’s where I stand.
Another thing that annoyed me was how at a few points in the film people say how they hate it when Troit makes sense. Because these scenes have little to do with the film’s college-student humour I’m going to up and say it: these are the points in the film where he’s not making sense. Fuck that noise.
WHY DID YOU GO TO ALL THIS EFFORT MAGPIE?! [ANSWERS]
See I hated Muck so much at first (and I still do) but I knew I was going to do a full-spoiler summary to help people out. And I also needed to find something in the film to justify the time I’d wasted on it. So I wasted my time on it again. And I FOUND SOMETHING (while writing this review)!
Does it save the film? Not really. But it could very well affect how I (and others) see the film by the end of 2017.
See there’s a prequel coming up soon-ish called Muck: Feast of St Patrick OR Muck: Chapter 1. And when more is revealed about the film I’m going to be looking for one thing in particular.
Remember how I said there was something rather interesting in the end-credits sequence? Well here’s what it is: in the credits we get to see Ava bouncing around in the marsh (I presume but if my theory is right… it might not be) again. Her face is never clearly shown and during the end-credits sequence her name is blurred out.
Why is this? And how could this save Muck down the line? Let me explain.
Muck sucks, fuck (had to) but it’s also actually the middle part of a trilogy. And that’s hard to do if they do what I think they’re doing.
Ava’s name being blurred out is the final exhibit in my proof that Muck as a franchise ain’t as pointless as people would like to think. But the other points of proof are:
- What Ava says in the intro sequence (“there’s no place like home”) and
- Ava appearing in Mia’s dream
- Mia’s sudden unexplained knowledge
I have a bit of a (non-)fan theory about this film that I’ll dig into in a follow-up post to this one (as a full-on “Answers!” post) but for now all I’ll say is there is some promise (however little) to this franchise. Muck still sucks but I think I like what I think (lol) they’re going for. It won’t be good but it’ll make this film look a lot better than it currently does.
Or I could be wrong and they’ll just make a shitty film again. And make me look like a giant idiot.
Now! Since the Crow declined to write any more than a sentence about this film… on to our scores!
Just ignore this movie. The Magpie might be onto something with her theory, here, but I just couldn’t be bothered with watching Muck or thinking about it that much.
THE AZURE-WINGED MAGPIE
Muck. More like FUCKamirite?! Like I said there may be something there to Muck down the line. But as a standalone film though… nah. Just nah. It didn’t really work. Not at all.
My theory and the questions it answers really should’ve been part of this post. But I think this has gotten long enough. I’ll expand more on my speculations in my follow-up post though. And I’ll tell you why Ava might be more important than anyone thinks.