Review: Ghostbusters [2016]

a review by the Crow.

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OPENING THOUGHTS

I really, really didn’t want to do this.

However, this crow is looking towards a better future, and the promise of a long and prosperous life. The Azure Magpie (soon to appear on The Corvid Review as a guest reviewer, and soon to visit this crow’s precious nest for a drinkie stop) threatened to pluck this crow’s feathers out one by one if he did not go through with this.

So he’s going to be quick about this.

Let this crow preface this by saying that this crow has not watched the prior Ghostbusters movies, or played the threequel-game. However, he has read some of the children’s books when he was yea big, and has seen bits of the cartoons (yes, even the Extreme Ghostbusters). However, it’s not enough for him to even say he’s familiar much with the franchise.

Therefore, unlike the Swan(!), this crow is not the type to burst into a metal version of the theme song on karaoke night (you glorious non-passerine, you!). But, his wits are still about him, and his brains haven’t been turned into these despite this movie.

So (oh goodness gracious me!)… here we go.

(I hate you, magpie! just kidding!)


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IF THERE’S SOMETHING STRANGE IN THE MOVIE

WARNING: THIS SECTION CONTAINS SOME [MINOR] SPOILERS

Where do we even begin?

I mean, if a five year old was handed a pen and paper, things would’ve been better. Okay, actually: no. But still, this crow’s point stands.

The plot is there, but it’s just not… good. I mean, seriously.

We open with a massive slap on the face of how universities conduct their business. It’s not uncommon for Hollywood to piss all over how academic institutions handle things, since the escapist nature of most movies has no time for the rigour and hard work put in at these places. And the movie we’re discussing here has one of of the worst examples of said issue that this crow has seen in some time.

Now, perhaps if the humour involved in the scenes was a little better, this crow would’ve been more lenient, but as this crow has said before, he tends to look closer at times like these.

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Once Dr Erin Gilbert loses tenure at Columbia University thanks to a book she and her former friend Abby wrote some years ago concerning the paranormal, she teams up with said friend Prof. Abby Yates and Abby’s mate mate Holtzmann. Eventually, the trio is joined by one Ms Tolan. And so, the titular Ghostbusters are formed, following some sightings of ghosts (which helps Dr Gilbert switch sides, of course).

The plot hereafter is nothing too special, but it’s not good. This is turkey-level, for sure. Look, this crow’s not going to muck about and waste time going through the details.

Ghosts are about, our girls rally together and beat them.

I mean, duh. The movie’s titled Ghostbusters. What do you expect?

The overall problems are that the humour is really bad. The story is weak, and the scenes just don’t go well together. It feels as if the movie just needed a better hand at writing, despite how poor the main plot is.

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Here are some of the choice things this crow has to say about this movie:

  • Now, as a not-fan of the franchise due to not having seen the first two movies, I don’t give a toss about the whole “the idea of this movie pisses over the previous ones” argument. And… it does. While I haven’t watched the originals, recasting the surviving original actors as different people and essentially erasing the original timeline in a reboot? That sound disrespectful as fuck, especially considering how the folks are handled (why in the hell are you guys even in this? This is like rebooting Star Trek by never having mention of the original cast around in the first place).
  • As this crow wrote into his notes while watching the movie, this movie made him laugh a grand total of zero times. The record states that this crow only kawed in jest once, and it was a chuckle.
  • Now, this is something I would’ve left for a different section of this review, but it fits here since it’s a problem with the plot. This movie faced a huge amount of backlash when the first trailer dropped. Butthurt fanboys and legitimately-hurt fanboys (which I’m still trying to get my head around, even though I find the Swan(!)’s reasons valid) aside, the backlash was widely criticised as being a product of misogyny. Of course there will be idiots around, but this crow never thought that the criticism of the backlash was all that much about misogyny. However, that said, this is the most misandrist movie this crow has ever seen. Every man in the movie is one of the following: a loser, a dickhead, or an idiot. And there are no exceptions. This crow finds that ironic, considering what had come before.
  • Slimer… even I know; what the fuck?!

I mean, how was this movie ever expected to be successful?


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AND IT DON’T LOOK GOOD

Overall, Ghostbusters looks pretty tacky.

I really want to know how this movie got screwed up so royally. Our lead ladies don’t do bad jobs, to be honest, and neither does Chris Hemsworth, nor Neil Casey, but they’ve got fuck-all to work with. And, again, as this crow put down in his notes: ANDY GARCIA?!

Gods, times haven’t been kind to him, have they? Why is he perpetually stuck in crappy movies, these days?

The only good scene in the movie is the scene where Holtzmann dual-wields her pistol-weapons against the army of ghosts. It’s pretty damn cool, and makes this crow wonder why the entire rest of the movie is so shit in comparison.

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I’m referring back to my notes consistently over the course of the movie. A movie being so forgettable is never a good thing. The only thing this crow has to add since he’s running out of steam (thanks, magpie!) is that one of his notes sticks to memory, and sticks out like a sore thumb in his notebook.

This is it:

The “dance” scene is a crime against humanity.

I’m done discussing this garbage (and on the tail end of two back-to-back good movies, too!).


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CLOSING THOUGHTS

Ghostbusters is certainly the worst movie this crow has seen this year. Yes, it’s miles worse than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice [Ultimate Edition]. Compared to this, Batman v Superman looks like a masterpiece. It’s not about respect to the source material, but it’s rather about polish.

Who the fuck gives a shit if the main cast are women? The issue this crow has with that whole thing is that they decided to take that fact and turn it into a marketing gimmick which ultimately failed. And on top of that, after the backlash they faced (somewhat unfairly), they compounded problems by accusing everyone of exactly what they’d done in the movie [Note: this, I earlier pointed out in my review for Agassi/The Handmaiden].

But even that shouldn’t make or break a movie. The writing, the execution, and the pacing are all terrible. The cast has fuck-all to work with, and it shows in each scene to painful degrees. This is an utter disaster of a movie.

I don’t think there can be a movie that beats this to the Crow’s Turkey of the Year award don’t judge him, his ain’t cooked, yet (although he’s making Sarmale this year!), and we’ve still got 46 days to go until New Years’ Eve.

And this crow thought Batman v Superman was bad. Yeesh!

This movie deserves the shit it gets. It’s just that poorly made. A better team, a better creative direction, and it could’ve at least been nice. At least the “dual-wield guns” scene earns the movie something.

Final rating: 0.01/10

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5 thoughts on “Review: Ghostbusters [2016]

      1. Insider rumors suggest that a big dance number was Feig’s plan to close off the movie. Guess they cut the routine when they saw how unfunny it was. I think some of the unused footage got used during the end credits, although I could be wrong.

        Liked by 1 person

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